Many times over the last 15 years or so I’ve been asked by friends, acquaintances, clients and employers ‘how do you know your relationship is working?’ Or, ‘if we hire you, how will we know that you’re committed to our firm and that you won’t just leave in a few months when something better comes along?’ Good questions! Tough questions that require some introspection and self-analysis to determine their answers. Perhaps you’ve had these same sorts of questions leveled at you? Perhaps it’s been a struggle or you’ve been confused for some time now as to what to do: “should I stay in this dead-end job or should I leave?” Maybe you like the work you’re doing but you still don’t feel quite right, happy that is? Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone where things seem to have gone stale over the months or years you’ve been together and you don’t know whether to stay or go. Honestly, the way you view and handle your relationships with yourself, your significant others or your work are all essentially the same. You need to do some personal work and come up with some answers for yourself that will be the foundation for your relationship approach.  For myself, putting it quite simply, I typically look these unsuspecting Questioners in the eyes and say “as long as I’m winning!” Let me explain in more detail what sounds like a self-centered answer.

Okay, “as long as I’m winning” sounds like a trite, self-centered response to a relationship question and seems particularly selfish in relation to a personal relationship. The truth, however, is that one needs to define winning for oneself first to understand if this phrase is really all that bad. Some of you are thinking “hey, as long as I make tons of money, I’m winning!” Some may even be thinking “I get to play golf whenever I want, she looks after the kids, leaving me free to be free!” And some of you may even be thinking “as long as I can keep paying for my goodies (insert: jewellery, cars, homes, trips, etc.) I’ll keep him!” And finally some of you may think that as long as you beat the man (ie., your employer, your boss) you must be winning. But are you happy? Really? Or are you just going through the motions unconsciously checking in once in a while to see if you’re happy. Maybe you are --- good for you! When you die and your family and friends write your tombstone verse or talk about you at the funeral do they say “...and he died with all the toys! He really didn’t have that many friends. He was hoping for more time, so that with all the money he had collected he could buy more trinkets because trinkets made him happy!” Is that what you want your legacy to be about? Why would a person like Warren Buffet give 36 billion dollars to the Gates Foundation (basically the majority of his fortune) if he really thought that he who dies with the most toys or money is the winner. Why is Bill Gates doing the same thing with his fortune? Because you can’t take the fortune with you and it’s better to spread it around and do some good - improve your relationships - and leave a legacy that shows how many people you touched in a positive way in your life. Is that winning? I think so.

So, when it comes to evaluating any kind of relationship I’m in whether with my wife, kids, friends, clients, etc. I ask myself “am I winning in my life?” But how do I define winning? To me winning is: being in the process of creating for myself that which I deem is most important to me. And by creating what is most important to me I automatically feel better about myself. My self-acceptance improves; my outlook on life improves. My health improves.  And logically, when I feel better about myself, I feel better about you (my spouse, my kids, my work, my boss, my station in life, etc.). My acceptance of you increases and improves. Cool, huh?

Sidebar: ever notice those days or moments when you’re at the top of your game (say you...earned a big payday? ...shot an eagle on the course? ...got a promotion? ...got a sincere thank you from a hard to please customer? ...had the steamiest, lovingest morning sex without even asking for it? ...everything just seemed to come together well that day?) how well you feel about those around you? How little the rush hour traffic bothers you? How that rain that came instead of the promised sunny skies doesn’t damper your spirits? It’s really all about self-acceptance.

I’m going to tell you again that all that positive energy is a direct result of how you feel about yourself at that moment. Your self acceptance. But how about creating this increased self-acceptance for yourself rather than waiting for fate, destiny, the environment, the government, your parents, your spouse, that pesky Recruiter, your boss, your company, your client to create the conditions or events that will have you winning? And how can you sustain this higher state of positive energy for a longer period of time than just this moment?

Well, after you’ve determined what winning in your life truly is, the next thing you need to do or ask yourself is: “am I being for you the way I want you to be for me?” Think about that for a minute. Being for you the way I want you to be for me!!! It’s really another way of saying “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you!” or “positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative!” Or as my Jewish friends will say “money attracts money, shit attracts shit!” When you’re a miserable, conniving, backstabbing, disloyal, living from paycheque to paycheque employee, what kind of employer do you think you’re most likely to attract? What if you’re a shy, invisible, honest, compliant, follower in a relationship - what kind of relationship partner - personal or otherwise - do you think you’ll attract? I think you know the answers in the both (all) these cases. When you are, act, behave like, sound like, believe you are, have a positive self-acceptance you are most likely to attract relationships that will give you the same back. A positive, fruitful, joyful, loving, equal relationship. If you aren’t getting these qualities in your relationships, whose problem is it really? Who needs to evaluate their situation? Who needs to make who happy? Who needs to determine if they’re winning? Right! You do! Your relationship won’t get any better, you won’t be winning until you create a positive self-acceptance of yourself and then “be” for your relationship partner the way you want them to be for you.

Which leads us to the final relationship evaluation question you must consider for yourself? It’s the biggie! “Do I want this relationship?”

Now, here’s where things get a little tricky. You’ve determined upon self-reflection what a win is for you. You’ve actively and with 100% participation (whatever that looks like both mentally and physically) created in your relationship this win for yourself. You’re absolutely confident that the way you’re being for others is how you want them to be for you. But remember at the beginning of this process we were trying to decide if we wanted to stay in this relationship or get out. We were trying to honestly answer a new employer what our level of committment to their enterprise might be. Well, in short, if you’re winning, why would leave? Put another way: if you’re winning, that’s the only time you can leave a relationship! (Why would you?) And that’s the tricky part. When you have all this self-created winning going on in your relationships, you don’t want to leave. But if, after all your attempts to create more growth in the current relationship, you’re unable to - due to things beyond your control - then you can decide to stay or leave the relationship. Example: You wanted the management position but the company has someone else in the role who has got years left to go in that position and they are unable to create another opportunity for you. You convey your thoughts about this to management and indicate you will be looking for opportunities outside the firm. Example: You’ve made yourself happy, you’ve created winning for yourself within your personal relationship but your partner seems to be getting more and more withdrawn, sullen, irated that you’re so happy and their life sucks. You show your understanding and help them to find happiness within themselves within this relationship. They can’t seem to find it but you’re still happy - at this point you can decide to stay or leave. If you’re truly as happy as you say, truly winning then you stay in the relationship. The ultimate committment.

But, what if in all the above cases you aren’t winning, not as happy as you feel you should be? Guess what? Then, YOU CAN’T LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP! You get back to redefining winning for yourself, create the process to give yourself these wins, mirror for others the way you want them to be for you and then re-evaluate your committment to the relationship.

How long does anyone stay in this process of creating winning for themselves in any relationship? FOREVER!!!!

For those of you who want an out that’s shorter, here it is: create winning in a relationship for yourself - 100% committment to this process. At the end of six(6) months evaluate how you feel, how you’re doing? Then, give it at least another six (6) months of this process before you re-evaluate again. If you’re still unhappy or feel you could do better somewhere else, then leave. (HERE’S THE CAVEATE: the grass is usually not any greener on the other side of the relationship fence. Know that you should be prepared to go through this winning process again in your next (new) relationship. You’ll be bringing your issues with you to the new table so decide very carefully).

So, the rewards of a relationship approach like the one above allows me to be happy and stay committed to whatever relationship I decide to get into. It also always places the responsibility of my relationship happiness on me, not the other party. My employer, client, spouse, family, etc. get a real person who acts the way he wants others to act for him and they get solid committment. (No papers need to be signed). What do I get out of this attitude? Peace of mind and happiness - and I don’t need a raise to get that!!!

I do this kind of introspection work now in the blink of an eye, in almost every moment and it always seems to serve me well. Try it some time and see how much your relationships improve.

Relationships That Work

1. Am I winning in my life? (Am I in the process of creating what I say is most important to me? Have I created self-acceptance?)
2. Am I being the way I want you to be for me?
3. Do I want this relationship?

Good luck - hope our relationship will be helpful to you!